I’m not sure what to write about. Not sure where to start. Over the past several months I began writing many different articles in my head, but none of them reached my fingertips and keyboard. I could make excuses, legitimate and real excuses, but really there is no acceptable excuse for disobedience. If I feel called to do something and I don’t make it a priority, then that is a disobedience of inaction. And I do feel called to do something. Something big, at least relatively speaking. The thing is, I don’t know specifically what it is I feel called to do. I have ideas, dreams, interests, etc. but I have no idea where the destination is.
Let me rewind a little bit: The word I chose to pray over 2017 for Steve and I is Direction. I chose it because I’ve gotten antsy. I want to make the most of this life and I know that there is so much we can do to avoid the mundane existence that so many people get trapped in. I don’t want to waste my potential. I don’t want to waste the potential of our family. So anyway, I’ve been mulling and praying over the word Direction. Jobs, housing, finances, trips, volunteering, education, healthy habits…all of these are things I’d like some clarity on. But the thing that’s got me squirming around in my seat most days is what am I supposed to do with my life??? What impact am I supposed to make and to who? Should I start a business of some sort? What about a non-profit? What kind of traveling can I do? Am I going to remain in insurance for the next 20+ years? How are my dreams and desires going to be fulfilled? How long do I have to wait to find out? Hence, the desire for Direction.
However, despite my uncertainty of the destination, I do believe God has already illuminated my first step. I believe He has called me to write about my journey (and possibly the journeys of others!) towards these Holy Pursuits. Maybe writing will be a permanent part of my overall story, or maybe it will remain only the first step. But it is my first step, and until I take it I will be standing still.
So I can daydream and imagine myself doing grand things. I can pray for direction and understanding. I can research and learn about cool things that interest me. I can make lists and spreadsheets and charts. But none of that matters unless I start moving forward in obedience.
I feel like up until today I’ve just been fantasizing about things I’d like to do long-term. Maybe puttering around a little bit, trying to be a good steward with each particular day. And I’ve been frustrated by my lack of moving forward. Conversations with God have sounded something like this:
Me: “God, Where should I go? What should I do with my life? When am I going to know?”
God: “I’ve already told you what to do. Start writing.”
Me: “Yes I know…but I don’t really want to right this minute. Can’t you just give me a little clue? Can I just do something else? I don’t even know what to write about…”
God: *crickets chirping*
Me: *deep sigh* “Fiiiiine…I’ll think about writing something…” (and then I don’t)
Sooooooo that’s been going on for an embarrassingly long time. And then today in church, Pastor threw a little one-liner out there that caught my attention. I immediately opened the notes feature on my phone and typed it, lest the gem be forgotten. Turns out I don’t need the note because it’s been burned onto my heart, mainly out of fear. “The opportunity of a lifetime must be seized during the lifetime of the opportunity.” Translation: opportunities expire. So this little game of me being in denial about what I’m supposed to do needs to stop. Today.
I still really don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like that in most areas of my life—I just wing it. Make it up as I go. So why I have hesitated to do the same with my dreams, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I feel that dreams can be fragile and need to be handled with care (am I not acting out of fear?). But I also like to think that maybe, just maybe, the Enemy is threatened by my potential and wants to do anything he can to distract me from accomplishing something. For me, that’s a big motivator. I mean, I’m feeling pumped even just typing that out. Yeah, Enemy, be afraid. I’m walking in obedience. Booyah! I can’t allow myself to remain distracted otherwise my opportunity is going to expire. I refuse to give the Enemy any bragging rights about how he prevented me from being obedient.
Friends, I know I can’t be the only one who has been caught in a rut of inaction. What have you been called to do that you’ve been putting off? Maybe it’s a first step towards something, maybe a 31st step. If you find yourself easily distracted and swayed from your purpose, maybe you need to tell someone so that you can be held accountable.
For me, writing this stuff down is about accountability and obedience. It’s also about sharing the good God is doing in my life and shedding light on areas of potential darkness. I believe there is power in community of this kind. When I am alone, I am most vulnerable. As I continue down this unknown path I will keep writing about it! And maybe some of you will be encouraged too.