Have you ever prayed for something, and maybe others prayed too, but then when it seems to come to pass you get suspicious? Almost like it’s too good to be true, or that the supposed answer might suddenly be reversed and leave you feeling emptier than before you got it?
Here’s what’s been plaguing me lately: I’m pregnant. VERY unexpectedly, and with timing that most would say is terrible. You see, Steve will most likely be out of the country on military duty when this baby comes. He’ll miss most of the pregnancy, the birth, and the first months of the baby’s life. So yes, the timing is not ideal. However, after our initial shock of finding out, we are excited and happy! I feel at peace and can see ways that God will use this situation in a purpose-filled way.
But anyway…onto my internal battles…I was feeling really nauseas around weeks 6 and 7 (I’m on week 9 right now) of the pregnancy. Not vomiting, but that 24/7 nausea that is mistakenly labeled morning sickness. I prayed that I would feel better, and I know others prayed for me too. Then one morning I woke up and strangely felt…okay. Not awesome, but okay. I had a moment of “wow this is great”, followed by “is something wrong…?”. Since that day I’ve had nausea come and go, but never back to the extreme stuff I was having initially. But on those days, or even mere hours, when I feel like a decent human being I get worried about the health of the baby.
So when I feel sick, I pray for relief. But when relief comes, I get anxious. It’s like a slap in the face to God. I’m taking a gift, a blessing, and allowing the joy of it to be stolen from me. I have such peace in all other areas, but the Enemy has apparently found a weakness I didn’t realize I had until writing this. I try to continually surrender everything. My expectations, my family, my job, just everything. However, with this sudden new baby it’s like I haven’t gotten around to letting go yet.
Logically, I know that if we lost the baby God would still be good and the situation would be redeemed. However, emotionally I’m kind of terrified of losing the baby. It’s funny because there’s no real foundation to my fear—I don’t have a history of miscarriage or infertility, we certainly weren’t trying for or hoping for a baby right now, and all of my symptoms and lack of symptoms fall into the totally normal category.
So why have I let myself get worked up into worry when I’m usually so good at avoiding it? I don’t fully have an answer. However, I do think it’s a good reminder that just because we learn a lesson in one season doesn’t mean that we won’t go through another deeper lesson later on. In fact, I think it’s pretty much guaranteed that we will continue to go through some of the same lessons over and over in new ways.
I am reminded of 1 Peter 5 where it says “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.” (verses 7-11)
In the pretty tame suburban world many of us live in it’s easy to forget that we have a battle to fight. And I think one of the sneakiest victories of the enemy is where he can take a blessing and pervert it into a cause for worry or fear. If I’m feeling healthy despite a pregnancy or because of loss of pregnancy I can still thank God for being healthy and being able to get things done. I don’t want to lose the joy of a blessing because of fear of losing a blessing—it’s a dumb and exhausting cycle. So I’m deciding to be done worrying today about why I don’t feel awful today. I’m going to choose to be grateful for the opportunity I’ve had to get things done today without overwhelming exhaustion or nausea. Only time will tell me the reasons I feel okay, but in the meantime I don’t want to squander the day worrying. That would be such a waste of a blessing!
Dear Lord, thank you for this day. Thank you for allowing me to feel rested and not ill. Thank you for giving me time to clean, play with kids, and write. I wasn’t expecting a “good” day today, so thank you for the opportunity.
Thank you also for this baby. This short month we’ve known about the baby has been a whirlwind of emotions—most of them positive and hopeful. Lord, even though it was a surprise, I can see so many ways that this pregnancy and baby could be used by you. If you intend to take the baby up to Heaven I have a much harder time understanding the purpose. I trust that there would be a purpose, but it would bring much heartache and challenge to this family.
Lord, I ask that you help this baby grow big and strong and that you allow me to have an easy and healthy pregnancy. I also ask that you give me peace about the future of the pregnancy. Please help me remember to stay focused on the positives and help me to not waste the health you give me.
Lord, I also surrender this baby to you. I ask that you let it thrive, but I trust that your will, regardless of my desires, is right. I hold this baby in an open palm and ask that you bless my faith. I ask for peace, and I ask for opportunity to serve and bless others. Thank you for being a faithful and loving God. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.